I am Who?

潺潺流水，呢喃着故乡，回不去的乡愁，我砥砺前行。

走出绵延不绝的山脉，一路寻觅，蓦然回首，家在何方？

那间半地下室，微灯闪烁，我迈出人生的第一步。

家是什么？

是父母小小的诊所，外婆的屋顶花园，外公的冬日毛毯，和妈妈电话里的声音。

在那里，我见证了，我志愿了，我理解了……

被夜风刮走的风筝，一叶扁舟在江中游。

十二岁，我离开家乡，崭新的世界，而我是谁？
那个带着口音的陌生人？
那个舞台上安抚失误演员们的指挥？
那个为了同学与校园霸陵者斗争的小伙子？

走过一扇门，舅舅静坐在那里对我微笑，他说“来下棋吗？”，醒来时，泪湿了枕头。那个狂躁时被我劝说进食的舅舅，那个打了我却教懂我“精神分裂”的舅舅，那个促使我庇护表妹的舅舅；我长大了，而他已悄然远走。

秋风徐来桂花香，别离的故乡歌谣，“外面的世界很精彩，我会找到我的未来”我背上行囊，远行到东方。我写下：“如流星擦肩，生命短暂，我们彼此慰藉。”

“假如一个朋友透露他是同性恋，你会如何反应？”我微笑着： “我会站在他们身边，希望他们得到衷心的支持。”殊不知，有一天我会成为这个问题的主题。

同性恋在中国意味着什么？社会、传统、家庭的压力；80%的同性恋者与异性结婚，假装“正常”。父亲期望我尽孝，然而打开我的字典，第一个词就是“真实”，将 “不幸”转嫁给任何人皆是“不义”。于是我选择出发，横渡太平洋去寻找真实的自我。

“我是谁？”这个问题重复了很多遍。在异国他乡，我拾起罗盘。微灯闪烁，我迈出了新人生的第一步。

在这里，我人生的第二阶段花了整整一载，拼凑出我的身份。
一路上，我和年轻的叔本华走过哥廷根的小径，
在奥哈伊的胡椒树下与克里希纳穆提冥想，
同大屠杀幸存者埃迪·朱卡冲破黎明前的黑暗，
从光与影的梦境中觉醒，
在我身旁，是丈夫的温暖；拥抱我，是无数充满爱的双臂。

尘与雪中，翻山越岭，月盈月亏，我化作一颗新星，照亮。

时光，你慢点走！有多少同胞正在迈出新人生的第一步？太阳升起，我挥手，招呼着……

❖ ❖ ❖

Flowing waters whisper of home, a nostalgia I can't retrieve, I forge ahead.
 
Beyond endless ranges of mountains, seeking all along, a wistful glance back, where is home?
 
That one-room half-basement, with faint lights flickering, my first step into life.
 
What is home?
 
It's my parents’ tiny clinic, grandma's rooftop garden, grandpa's winter blanket, and mom’s voice on the phone.
 
There, I witnessed, I volunteered, I understood...
 
A kite whisked away by night wind, a leaf-shaped boat adrift on the river.
 
At twelve, I left my hometown -- a brand-new world, but who am I?
The stranger with an accent?
The conductor calming flawed performers on stage?
The young lad fighting for fellow students against schoolyard bullies?
 
Through a door I walked, my uncle sitting, smiling at me, "Care for a game of chess?" Waking, tears wet the pillow. The uncle during his mania I persuaded to eat, who hit me, yet taught me "schizophrenia," and from whom I sheltered my sister-cousin. I grew up, yet quietly he departed.
 
Autumn breeze, fragrance of Osmanthus, a homeland ballad of farewell, "The world outside is wondrous, I will find my future." I hoisted my bag and journeyed east. I penned, "Like shooting stars passing, in life's brief span, we comfort one another."
 
"If a friend revealed he is gay, how would you react?" I smiled, "I'd stand by him, hoping that he receives heartfelt support." Unbeknownst, one day I would be the subject of that question.
 
What does being gay mean in China? Societal, traditional, familial pressures; 80% of gays marry the opposite sex, pretending to be "normal". Father expected me to fulfill filial piety, yet opening my dictionary the first word was “authenticity”. I knew that shifting "misfortune" onto anyone is "unjust". I chose departure, crossing the Pacific to find my true self.
 
"I am who?" This question repeated often. In a foreign land, I picked up the compass. Faint lights flickered, my first step into a new life.
 
Here, my second phase of life took a full decade, piecing together my identity.
Along the way, I walked the paths of Göttingen with young Schopenhauer,
Meditated with Krishnamurti under Ojai's pepper trees,
Sprinted through the darkness before dawn with Holocaust survivor Eddie Juka,
Awakening from the dreamland of light and shadow,
Beside me, my husband’s warmth; and embracing me, countless loving arms.
 
Amidst ashes and snow, traversing mountains and ridges, waxing and waning moon, I become a new star, illuminating.
 
Time, slow down! How many fellows are taking their first steps into new lives? As the sun rises, I wave, beckoning…